if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.