[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Uh oh…
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.