Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
✌🏽
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.