I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You Might Also Like
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.