That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood