Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days