If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.