Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.