me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.