I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Flowers bee like
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse