Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.