[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
multitasking lunch
This is true.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign