Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.