Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee