Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
You Might Also Like
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
called in thicc to work this morning
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
R.I.P.