Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I can’t deal with men any longer
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.