If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Krampus.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.