Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings