If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!