CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy