Me irl
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My daily affirmation
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”