If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”