I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree