I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.