(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.