Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow