Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’d use my best pan on you.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’