*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine