Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Worth the read.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.