What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”