DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together