APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now