Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.