There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now