“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought