No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
twitter users today:
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)