“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…