Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
and now we wait
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.