All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover