My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This guy gets it.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle