getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle