[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.