If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
rise and shine we got egg
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.