Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My Guy
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!