When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.