Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
no cat here
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.