Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
How it started How it’s going
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[eulogy]
line?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.