If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.