None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The government even made aliens boring
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap