*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Tough love is true love
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.